ASNN

sox/yankees, 2004: it begins

The first Red Sox/Yankees game, in Fenway, is being televised nationally on Fox tonight. It should be a glorious season for the Red Sox this year, especially if tonight's game is any indication. Wakefield's knuckleball is fluttering. The ball is hopping off Red Sox bats in a normally-dead, cool Boston evening. The Yankees are still colossal jerkoffs. A-Rod nearly got booed out of the stadium. The crowd chanted acceptably-taunting steroid accusations when Giambi came to the plate. And Aaron *bleeping* Boone is still hurt. (May he stay so.)

And yet, not all is good. Fox still has MLB games. That's bad enough. But they've added a stupid freaking animated talking baseball to explain the knuckleball. They had some cabaret-inspired musical number about Damon's hair. They had some stupid "Can you hear me now?" live crap out in the Monster. They still haven't fixed the sound as of the bottom of the 6th inning; what was supposed to be a roar in Fenway barely drowned out the mouth-breathing in the broadcaster mics.

And they didn't fire Tweedledee and Tweedledum: Buck and McCarver. These two buttmunches are yappin' on and on:

• McCarver spewing something about Belarus' participation in the Olympics,
  
• Buck calling himself stupid for not remembering to read scores from around the league (finally, something we can agree on),
  
• The two of them talking over each other, and nearly fondling each other to apologize,
  
• Both of them finding new and innovating ways to kiss the Yankees' collective butts (including finding A-Rod as not only the best player in the league, but also as a handsome man),
  
• Buck commenting on Damon's hair ("mountain man" and alluding to Damon "reading for Mel Gibson")... it's like he was waiting since mid-March to say things that have been said now for weeks by other, more employable announcers,
  
• Both of them working various idiotic references to Babe Ruth, Damon's hair, and other crap into EVERY conversation.

At this point, I want at LEAST McCarver, the main horse's ass, fired. I would like Buck fired as well; he has had too much of McCarver's horse's-ass-ness rub off on him to be useful as a baseball announcer. I think Buck might be a good in-the-stands/on-the-field reporter working under a REAL play-by-play announcer. McCarver has no hope in broadcasting... he just needs to be committed to the home for mediocre players that made horrid announcers.

If there is a God in heaven, and if He is truly a fan of baseball, I would like to speak to Him right now:

Oh God who art in Fenway,
Hallowed be Thy game.
Thy kingdom come, May balls be gone
Over the Monster and around Pesky's Pole.
Give us this day the Yankees heads,
And forgive us our debts (so we can afford more Red Sox games).
Lead us not into the Bronx, and deliver us from Fox Sports.
For it's time for the Damon, and the Nomah, and the Mueller, forever.
Amen.

GO SOX!