ASNN

The word for today: discretion

[Credit to Vanessa for the word for today; while the sentiments below are mine, the breakthrough was wholly hers, on my behalf.]

I've been trying to figure out why so many people in my personal life react so poorly to me. For a long while, I've recognized that I can have a caustic personality, that I can talk a lot and (seemingly) listen very little, that I'm largely uninterested in most things people usually discuss, that I don't talk like most other people I know... basically, that I'm very much a fish out of water in most social settings. I've been working very hard to be warmer to people in mixed settings — that is, settings that involve more than just my technical buddies — and yet the results seem to indicate that nothing much has really changed.

The most common problem I run into is offending people by being too straightforward. I seem to lack the proper organ one uses to carry on productive conversations; in anything from sugarcoating bad news to small talk, I am largely deficient. So I tend to identify problems vocally and, often, quite pessimistically. Anyone who has known me for a good amount of time knows that I am ultimately nowhere near as negative as my speech belies. Unfortunately, I tend to annoy or offend people quickly enough that few have known me for "a good amount of time". Even among those who have known me on some level for two, three, five years or more, it seems the general consensus is that I hate everything and everyone. In fact, that's just not true.

Jokes get totally misconstrued when I tell them. Children call me "mean" to their parents. Even upon meeting me for the first time, people seem to get the impression that I'm dead serious and downright grumpy about everything. I often find myself having to apologize and explain a good-natured comment (or esoteric reference) to bewildered strangers when I first meet them. And this is all AFTER I had made a commitment to trying to be more gentle in my general interaction with people!

Since my words continue to offend and perplex (despite the best of intentions behind them), I think my next step is to learn discretion. If using nicer words doesn't work, I will use fewer. When I am asked, "How are you doing?" I will remember that the person doing the asking probably really doesn't care. I will grunt and give one of two answers: "Doing pretty well" or "Hangin' in there". When they continue to probe, and here's where the rubber meets the road, I will offer no more detail. My generic answer is my final answer, Reeg, because if there's anything worse than pissing off everyone with whom I come in contact, it's having someone talk down to me, instructing me on how to fix my problems when, in fact, I was just answering their question. I'm not asking for psychoanalysis or a course on basic Christianity any more than I am asking that you take me to Red Lobster when I mention I'm peckish. If I want you to take me to Red Lobster, I'll go ahead and ask, and if I want you to solve my problems (which, of course, assumes I believe I have a problem or that it can be solved or that it can be solved by humans), I will ask.

And see, this is where people get pissed off at me. What began as a simple question with a truthful answer has digressed into my own personal episode of Dr. Phil, and I really dislike Dr. Phil. I cringe at the uninvited advice (which usually either dismisses my (normal!) feelings or demonizes them) and usually end up sort of bored in the conversation. Of course, people don't like to think they are boring their audience, so that usually ends up with them thinking I'm a depressive, know-it-all jerk. I appreciate the concern, except that I'm not really sure it's concern that drives people to fix everything about me, even when I've not really indicated I need help fixing anything.

So I'm mildly grumpy in the first place. The person to whom I'm speaking asks about me. I am honest with how I'm feeling at that moment. The person tries to fix me. I get more grumpy. They get grumpy that I'm grumpy. No one is really satisfied. And here's the kicker: I eventually just stop being grumpy. It's my nature to go through phases where I'm just pissy and cynical... but the phases always pass. The problem is that the lasting impression I've made on the person is, again, that I'm a depressive, know-it-all jerk, even though I've moved on. I would approach the person to "fix" the relationship, except that I rarely even know there's a problem in the first place!

So I think the best thing is simply to not engage in those conversations. Or, at least, participate in them less personally than I have been. It's common knowledge that people usually don't really want long, personal responses to the questions they ask; I just need to believe that and live it. I also need to shun the feeling that I am being less honest by giving the short answer. Give a short, truthful answer, stick by it, listen to whatever response the person might have and get the hell outta Dodge.

But don't worry: I'll continue to be transparent here on my blog, since that's where I work all of this stuff out. (Granted, I'm a little frustrated that I'm so robotic that I have to work these things through — I'm at an age where most people probably start their decline into old-aged grumpiness, and I'm already in full form. :-P) Something about the blog, or written communication, or maybe the ability to delete any comment with which I disagree... something makes it much easier to throw something out there and get people's feelings and responses without me feeling like I'm back in third grade. So, uh, fear not, loyal readers: there's plenty more introspection and navel-gazing where this came from. :-)

Posted by pcg at April 1, 2007 7:45 AM