ASNN

gather 'round, it's storytime

I want to tell you a story. It's a story of unexpected love and unimaginable intrigue. It's long and it's heavy, but if you hang in there 'til the end, I bet you'll agree that it was worth it.

You all already know about my failed marriage. And that's exactly what it was: a failure. Two fallible humans beings made numerous mistakes, hurt each other immeasurably, and basically acted in discord with God's desires. Once we started wavering, our marriage was like that kid's bike going too fast that suddenly begins to wobble... the wobble intensifies until the bike crashes spectacularly.

The crash came to my marriage on October 29, 2004. The warning signs had been building and building before then, but that was the day when she expressed her lack of desire to pursue our marriage any further.

The requisite mourning period followed, though I had been in some state of mourning since everything blew up on December 14, 2003. We had tried to reconcile for a bit, but in the back of my head I always recognized that (a) our marriage was already dead and needed a miracle to resurrect (not just a little work), and (b) things simply might not work out in the end. As such, I had really been mourning for quite some time, in spite of my wishful thinking that things might work out between us. So when that final nail was firmly in the coffin, I wasn't overly hurt or surprised--part of me had expected it.

Through it all, I had a couple of friends that were really present in my life through these things. My business partner and close friend, Alan, lives in Honolulu, but we chatted (IM and/or phone) every single day. We would often talk about how things were progressing with my life overall. My other closest friend, Brad, lives in the Dallas area and concerned himself more with my spiritual health. We would often cry together, but more often pray and rejoice together at how faithful God had been, even as things still stung.

And then there was Vanessa. She and I had always been friends along with our significant others (my being married to Nase, her being Brett's girlfriend). Nase and I had sort of taken Brett and Vanessa under our wings, trying to lend our wisdom (ha!) and experience to their relationship. The four of us had had plenty of intense, deep discussions, usually while sitting at Starbucks in Vanessa's car.

Vanessa was going through something very similar with Brett at the time that I got the final word from Nase. Vanessa and Brett were finally and ultimately breaking up, just as Nase and I were "breaking up". They had tried to work things out, just as Nase and I had tried to work things out. Vanessa was hurting from the breakup while Brett was basically just "over it"; I was hurting while Nase was just "over it".

Vanessa and I have always been very similar in the way we think and see things in the world. Combine that with the fact that we had been hanging out a bit already and that we were going through the same breakup, and it was wonderful to spend time with her. We naturally spoke the same language, we both wanted to heal well, we both wanted what God wanted with our lives. We both enjoyed so many of the same things, like simple evenings of coffee and conversation. And neither of us was interested in moaning and complaining about everything that had gone wrong with our lives and relationships. We were just interested in hanging out, catching an occasional movie, and just remembering that life was good.

For months, we were largely inseparable whenever she was in the AV. I found myself anxious for the weekends, when she would come up from Pepperdine and we could hang out. She was such a blessing to me, and I was a blessing to her as well. We could talk about anything, or talk about nothing, or just sit and listen to music, or watch a movie.

The first time I had some thought of a romantic notion toward Vanessa was on New Year's Eve. She was down in LA, had just had an ugly falling out with Nase (to whom she was trying to be a friend at the time), and sounded pretty down. I wasn't doing anything to celebrate, she wasn't doing anything to celebrate... I was sorta down, she was sorta down... so naturally I told her that she needed to drive up and spend New Year's with me (and not alone). We spent the evening playing a little Donkey Konga, hanging out with my kids, going to Starbucks (of course), and sitting in the driveway and talking.

As the fireworks began to signal the new year around us, I remembered the New Year's tradition of kissing for the new year. I realized that I was romantically interested in Vanessa when I didn't want to kiss her. If Vanessa were just a casual friend, I probably would not have been so shy to kiss her, at least on the cheek. As it was, she was already more than just a casual friend, and my coyness in kissing her, even just as a friend fulfilling a New Year's tradition, told me that my feelings for her might have been changing. Around 1:00AM I retired inside to ponder my new feelings for Vanessa.

I wondered how "we" would ever work. Vanessa is 20; I'm 30. Vanessa had expressed concern for having children in her life; I've got two. She was young and looking at "the rest of her life" ahead of her; I was "used goods" and, while not old, looking at a LOT of my life behind me. I shelved a lot of those feelings, resigned to believing that things would simply not work.

Six weeks later, on the day before Valentine's Day, Vanessa and I were watching The Notebook at her parents' place. We sat on a three-person couch with the vast middle seat between us. I was so busy in my mind throughout the movie: wishing that her hand might "accidentally" touch my hand; recognizing that Vanessa was someone that really complemented me; knowing that I could care for and take care of Vanessa; knowing (somehow!) that I could LOVE Vanessa... if only she would touch my hand. :-P

Well, the movie came and went. Many tears were shed by all. I needed to get my daughter to bed, she needed to get back down below. We frequently hit up Starbucks as the last thing before she headed down to her apartment after the weekend, and this was no different. I text-messaged her and asked her if she wanted a coffee nightcap. She responded that she was on her way to getting chai. (As it turns out, she was basically on the 14 at Pearblossom, out of Palmdale, nowhere NEAR the Starbucks. :-) Having spent six weeks wondering if anything would ever work between us, pushing my feelings down, and finally succumbing to the fact that I just really, REALLY enjoyed Vanessa, I decided that I should just take the plunge and confess my affection for her.

We met at Starbucks and sat in her car for a while, talking about this and that. Things kind of got quiet, and I slowly and haltingly confessed that I was very fond of her. Surprisingly (at least a little) she told me she was fond of me as well, and a few minutes later it was official - we were an item! I was so nervous about everything that I only vaguely remember things, like an out-of-body experience where I was watching an awkward 29-year-old ask a beautiful college student to be his girlfriend, straight out of a high school manual. :-P

Since then, Vanessa and I have only grown amazingly close. She is so easy to love, so loving in return. Whether we're with her brother at a movie, or with my kids at the mall, or alone together eating Indian food, we click so thoroughly. Which is not to say we agree on everything--get us talking about politics and be prepared for some fireworks. :-) But we agree on the core parts of our lives and are willing to mesh on the disparate parts of our lives, on those parts where we differ.

What's more, she understands me. She doesn't think she does, but she does moreso than anyone ever has in my life (other than my immediate family). But my idiosyncrasies, my thought processes, my desires, my fears... I feel like she just "gets" me. That's an amazing feeling, especially for someone who has felt HIS WHOLE LIFE that no one would ever be able to really understand him.

Things seem just wonderful. Things ARE just wonderful! And if that were the end of it, it would be an amazing story. However, as you might know, no good story is without its conflict, its tension, its weirdness. Sometime soon, I'll tell you about all of that; for now, feel free to bask in the warmth and beauty above.

Ness, I hope you know that I love you dearly. You're my best friend, you're my comfort, you're my beauty. You make me better; you make me want to be better. Thanks for letting me love you, and for your love in return. You're toally the best. :-D

Posted by pcg at April 11, 2005 8:54 AM