ASNN

ashamed

I'm ashamed. I've been two-timing you, my faithful, beautiful readers.

I've been writing in another blog.

Now I know what you're thinking. Why would I do that if I loved you so? What does my other blog give me that you can't give me?

I have no good excuse or explanation. As pennance, I would like to reproduce various posts I've culled from my other blog (no, you can't have the URL). I'll start with one from just a few days ago, February 1.

You know that feeling you get inside, where everything is just settled, all is right with the world? Not an overwhelming euphoria, like the problems don't still exist... but more of a steady hope to where you know life is good? That was "today". Beware, long uninteresting ramblings follow. Read at your own risk.

Today (Monday) was a beautiful day. Today officially started just after leaving Starbucks last night and hanging out with Itchysweater [Ed: a friend from my other blog], talking the night away. She kept the wonderful music playing while we danced through personal stories, family stories, comfortable silences, and the world's problems (without solving any of them). As the evening came to a close, I gathered my things in the car... and "Such Great Heights" by Iron and Wine came on. I had never really listened to it much, preferring The Postal Service's version. But hearing it in the early morning, listening to Itchysweater sing the high harmonies, joining in (quietly) with the low melody - the song has taken on new life and is really striking. I must have played it a couple dozen times in the hours since.

I finally got to bed sometime around 3AM, after a few emails, listening to Enigma's The Cross of Changes on the headphones.

7:45AM came far too early, and far too cold. For some reason it was as cold as a crypt in my house this morning. Come to find out the thermostat had decided to crap out overnight, and it was 52 degrees in the house. More than anything, it was just funny. Cold, but oddly funny. The kids were very understanding as they bathed and nearly froze to death while eating their oatmeal and whatnot. Got them off to school without a hitch.

Work was happy. Not much else to say about that because it isn't central to my story. (Sorry [boss man, whatever you're wonky screen name is]!)

I headed to Panera Bread at about 12:15PM to meet Itchysweater, who had the day off, for lunch. More wonderful conversation and some excellent soup followed. (I had Broccoli Cheese, she had Vegetarian Vegetable, With Vegetables. Without the corn, which she picked out.) This was actually the first time I had been out to lunch in months and months without a Purpose, like discussing church matters or resolving some sort of conflict. Well, let me rephrase: this was the first time I had been out to lunch in months and months *not by myself*. It was gorgeous and warm and so much fun to sit around with others and... well, just sit around with others.

After the blur that was arriving home, working more, picking up kids, working more, dinner arriving, eating dinner, and working more, my dad announced that he wanted to watch Edward Scissorhands. After I picked myself up off the ground, I threw it in and we watched Edward Scissorhands. Thus began the Good Cry phase of my day. I could offer all sorts of things about how well the movie is made, about the message, and so on... but it boils down, it ALWAYS boils down, to Kim asking Edward to hold her, and him saying he can't. I spent the next 30 minutes between almost having it together and sobbing uncontrollably for Edward and Kim's love. (And probably a little bit for my own.)

Interesting interlude: during a particularly potent crying fit, one of the pastors from Chile called. Explaining why I was sobbing, in Spanish, was actually a lot easier than I had expected.

I got the kids to bed shortly after the movie ended. My son offered to read to my daughter, which is always sweet. During our prayer time, he asked God to "help us get through the rest of the time without Mama". At the same time, he thanked God for all of his blessings, for always loving him. I nearly lost it - how am *I* so blessed as to have a son like this? After our prayer, I told them I would be going out on a drive to pray. I told them that I needed to talk to my Daddy.

Driving around, I decided that I wasn't going to hold on to any pain stemming from my divorce any longer. I told God that it was all His, that He could deal with it far better than I ever could. I told Him that I did not want to live with the anger, pain, whatever that stemmed from my divorce, that I wanted to be His man and I couldn't do that if I was constantly dealing with and exhibiting that anger and pain. I told Him to keep taking my life out of my control until He had my complete attention - I half-expected an accident while I was on the road, as if He needed to get my attention yet again! I told Him that I wanted only the things in my life that He wanted.

I finally ended up at Barnes and Noble and had a wonderful *decaf* (!) hot tea as recommended by the barista. (Asian Autumn, I think it was. [Ed: it was African Autumn.]) Looked through the Christian books, got some ideas for books that I should read after I finish the three books I'm supposed to be reading right now. (The allure of lazily browsing through books, on my own schedule, may not resonate with those of you without children. It will, someday.)

Drove home, listening to The Postal Service's "Give Up", which I cannot recommend highly enough. And here I sit, drinking a 2002 Berringer Pinot Noir (which I also recommend, with a touch of reservation) while writing to you, my (three) loyal readers. Thus concludes one of the most perfect days yet experienced by man.

Posted by pcg at February 4, 2005 1:39 AM