I've been a Christian all of my life. And yet, nothing had prepared me for the Truth (with a capital T) of God's love.
I was raised in the church, though I had little desire to do things God's way. I was baptized at 17 (that's what we evangelicals do, for you CRC types), but even then I was not completely honest with myself, my parents, or God. (I was caught doing naughty things, and I felt an appropriate pennance was to get baptized.) But even through all of those things, God was protecting me. "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6) That was a Biblical truth my parents held very dear, and a promise that God made good on.
Anyway, fast forward to about six months ago, mid-2003. I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful family, a new house, a great job, and a great church. And yet, something doesn't seem quite right. It had been the fall of 2001 when Nase attended something called the Walk to Emmaus. She had been healed of her fibromyalgia and her recurring aversion to being a wife and mother during this retreat. Perhaps more interesting than that, she came back with something like a glassy-eyed committment to Emmaus as a life-changing event.
My cult-o-meter was going haywire. "You've just got to attend Emmaus!" "When are you going to Emmaus?" I was reminded of the old Saturday Night Live skit: "I loved it, it was much better than Cats." I talked about not wanting to drink the Kool-Aid (a Jamestown reference for our younger readers). Whenever Nase or others from our church who had gone would ask if I were going, I usually asked something like, "Will I get to learn the secret handshake?" I was pretty intent on not going.
You see, I had had the mountaintop experience. I went to church camp when I was younger, I had done the singing around the campfire... and every time I did it, it was a "rah rah God" event that almost immediately wore off and left me with no application to my life, or even my Christian life (which I used to think was *different* from my "life"). Besides, I was pretty happy with my life and my committment to Christ. I felt like things were going pretty well, even though there were a few bumps in the road. The LAST thing I needed was some holy-roller camp where I would be slain in the spirit and lie flopping around and speaking in tongues. (Emmaus WAS founded by the United Methodist Church, where that sort of thing tends to happen.)
Ultimately, though, the pressure was too great and I went. I went mostly to get my wife, my parents, and countless people at church (all of whom had gone) off my back, hoping they would leave me to my life after I had gone. The odd thing was that both of my parents went with that attitude, both of them are very analytical with perfectionist tendencies (wonder where I get it?), and both came back completely changed. So I figured it couldn't be all bad...
And it wasn't. Most of the details of what went on up there are secret, as the walk is designed to run a certain way, and the "pilgrims" (the first-time attendees) are encouraged not to know or anticipate what's coming next. (In hindsight, I have to say that's the only way to do it.) Even with my reluctance to go, I left myself open to whatever God wanted to show me that weekend. "Even crazy people can demonstrate God's will" I told myself. "If I'm going to be here, I might as well do things like they want to do things." I turned off my analytical side (as best I could) and awaited His voice.
And boy! did He speak. There was no music, no TV, no contact with the outside world (especially difficult, since I went up on the night of game 7 of the Yankees-Red Sox ALCS... with the Red Sox up 4-1 and Clemens knocked out early!), and no clocks. With no distractions, including that of *time*, I was completely at the mercy of the people running the walk, and of God. All of those things, combined with a fabulously-planned time and a maturity (where I am in my walk with Christ) led to an amazing experience.
It was a sex-segregated camp, which was especially nice. I have not been in a men's group since we were attending Covenant Life Church in Grand Haven, Michigan, and I truly missed it. At CLC, it was nice to get to know a small group of guys well enough to open up to them and express my deepest struggles and victories, fears and desires. At Emmaus, the focus was very much the same. While I didn't immediately feel comfortable with the whole group (about 20 guys), I instantly clicked with my small group of six guys. The emphasis on, "Whatever is said on the mountain STAYS on the mountain" was helpful in conveying a sense of honesty and being able to speak without fear of repercussion once we all returned home.
My small group consisted of two pastors (!), a Spanish teacher from my town of Tehachapi, an English teacher and writer from Burbank, our table leader, and me. I was the youngest at the table, I think, but was in the middle of the pack in terms of marriage length. I have always received great wisdom from those older than me, and this was no different. I was able to share some dark places of my heart, and these guys were able to shed some light on those dark places. Though it sounds cliche, we laughed together, we cried together, we prayed together, we sang together. It was amazing.
But far more amazing than that was what God was doing in my heart. Although I have been a Christian pretty much my entire life, I have always filtered God through my mind, through peers, or through some other imperfect vessel. This one time in my life, I allowed God to speak directly to me, directly to my heart. He broke my heart for where I was *really* at in my life, namely that I had some serious pride issues. He showed me the places in my life where I wasn't surrendering complete control to Him. (There were a lot of them, more than I expected.) He reminded me of a conversation that I had had with a gal in the past that applied to my life:
ME: Love my neighbor? But God, I don't even LIKE people!
GOD: You don't love the ONE THING I care about?
Ouch. He reminded me that outside of making him known to the world (with the intent of having everyone I know come to know Him), He has little interest in anything else I can do with my life. So He broke my heart for people. The way I describe, in an all-encompassing way, what God did to me while I was there is this:
Like a surgeon, God reached into my chest, gently massaged my heart, and brought me to life. Not "brought me BACK to life", but brought me to life for the first time. My heart is finally beating for what He wants.
I don't know if that can even convey the restoration that God brought to me up there. I was ripped open, completely exposed to God... and He desired me. With all of my faults, and all of the blackness of my heart, God still wanted me. ME. He reached into my chest, my most delicate place, and lovingly gave me life. He judged me, SAW CHRIST, and found me worthy of the calling to which He has called me. Have you ever considered that God sees your darkest places and STILL wants you? You are nowhere NEARLY as good as you think you are, yet all God sees is Christ. It's mind boggling.
My heart has especially been broken for the "career Christians" that don't really know God's love. I have lived my life doing the right thing, I have known of God and His law... I have BEEN THERE. I'm a missionary's kid and I'm a pastor's kid. I've been involved in church leadership, I've been a member of a number of different denominational and nondenominational churches across the country. And almost across the board, people are missing one big fact: GOD LOVES YOU. He wants to display His love for you. He has plans for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. He wants to be your all, leaving you lacking no need. He wants you to have life abundant, and that's not in the sweet by and by... it's NOW.
Don't get me wrong: I have no desire to preach to you. I want you to get the chance to experience that which I've experienced. I want you to begin to believe just how much God loves you. I want you to be ecstatic about God's love for you. I want you to prove God right when He chose you.
I'm as left-brained and rational as just about anyone I know. I understand the arguments about convincing oneself about the benefits of something; heck, I've forwarded the same arguments to "on-fire" Christians. I don't purport to understand, in an intellectual sense, what God is doing in my life. I don't even understand why God does the things He does, but I believe that "His ways are not my ways". And I know that I know that I know that He loves me *in spite of* my knowledge, not *because of* my knowledge. I don't necessarily have to know, in an intellectual sense, His ways to believe that He is leading me in a wonderful direction.
Suddenly, "evangelism" isn't as much a chore as it is introducing my best friend to everyone I encounter.
Posted by pcg at October 29, 2003 11:15 PM