ASNN

a diversion, revisited

I forgot the most rant-inspiring part of my little diversion. After all of the work I had done and sleep I had lost, I was driving from KC to Columbus. While driving through Collinsville (yes, the same Collinsville in which I stayed earlier), I got behind a cop, who started slowing down. I changed lanes to pass him, being careful not to go over the speed limit.

When I wanted to pull back in front of him, I was coming up quickly on the tail of the person in front of me. I signaled to change lanes, waited and waited, but the cop didn't afford me any space. When I finally changed lanes, the lights immediately went on.

We pulled off, and the cop (we'll call him Bubba) asked for my stuff. I gave him the license, but had trouble figuring out the registration, since my car was a rental. He asked for the rental papers, which seemed incredibly interesting to him, as he pored over them for about five minutes. He told me that he had pulled me over because I didn't give the guy in front of me enough space, nor did I give clear indication that I was changing lanes. (I didn't argue, since at this point I just wanted to get back on the road. I tend to have a good record with cops, as I've only gotten two tickets in the 15 or so times I've been pulled over since starting to drive.)

He went back to his car to run my information. About ten minutes later (while I was sitting in a hot car, since they always want you to turn off your car), he came back and said that the computers were slow. More waiting. Another five minutes or so and another patrol car pulls up. Uh oh. The first cop comes back to my car and asks me to stop out and come to the rear of the car. Double uh oh. He explains why he pulled me over (for making a dangerous lane change), and that he would let me go. Oh, well maybe that's okay then.

He asks if I have any prior arrests, warrants, etc. Oh boy. THEN he mentions that I looked nervous when he pulled me over. ("Officer makes a stupid observation" part 1. Whenever I'm pulled over by the guys that look like the cops from Pulp Fiction, I get a little nervous. You never know where their mental stability is.)

"I smelled cannibis when I walked up to your car." What do you say to that? I thought of some interesting responses after he let me go, but most of them boiled down to some form of, "Yeah, well I smelled BACON when you walked up to my car, PIGGIE!!!" But seriously, at that point, he was just POSITIVE that I was up to no good... rental car, out-of-state license, nervous as heck, travelling without my family... so I think anything I said would not have helped.

His partner (we'll call him Jedediah, or just Jed (or Sheephumper) for short) asked me to place my hands behind my back and he searched me. They then asked for consent to search the car. "Is everything in the car yours?" As if I had done a thorough search of the rental before driving it off of the Budget lot... "Do you have any large quantities of heroin in the car?" Umm, I don't even have *small* quantities. "Do you have any large quantities of marijuana in the car? Or maybe just a small personal amount?" Again, everything inside of me wanted to scream as this country bumpkin, but I tried to keep my cool, and I said "No."

Bubba systematically (and SLOWLY) proceeded to remove nearly everything in the car, including a number of the interior panels and all of my belongings in the trunk. As he fumbled to put stuff back together (e.g., all of my clothes), I told him he could just leave it, as I was READY to get going. Meanwhile, Sheephumper continued the barrage of questions, apparently to throw me off my obviously-practiced cover story. Things like, "So you just started your business and you're on vacation. Does that make sense to you?" "Well, Sheephumper... excuse me, OFFICER Sheephumper, it obviously makes sense to me or I wouldn't be here, now would I?" Nevermind trying to explain to this mental giant that I can work from just about anywhere...

After a total of about an hour sitting on the curb in the abandoned gas station while the Keystone Kops tried to figure out what to do with me, Bubba summoned me over. "Okay, you're all set."

That's it.

No, "Sorry, upstanding citizen, for the mistake we made in fingering you as a hardened criminal"? No, "Please drive safe"? Nope, just "Okay, you're all set." Thank you, BF Collinsville cops. Aside from the time you stole from me and my life, you ruined just about the rest of the day as I stewed unhappily all the way to Columbus.

Still, it seemed appropriate to the rest of my vacation. Ah well...

Posted by pcg at September 26, 2003 9:34 AM